I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
