Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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