omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
