This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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