the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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