Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
