your parents love me but you hate me
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
no, he came in my armpit
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
