I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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