I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That accounts for only three of the penises
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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