My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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