I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
