Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
