I look better un-naked...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
