sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
