I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
