what day is it and did you see me today?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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