Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
