Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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