He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
