Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
