Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
