Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
