Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
