she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
