hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
