She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
