His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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