I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just invented taco cereal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
