Ketchup is God's man juice
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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