I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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