Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
