I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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