i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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