Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I came so hard my ears popped.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
