My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize