And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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