i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
