Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
