I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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