I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
