So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
