I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
