I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
