If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
