i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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