You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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