I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
