Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
