I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
