The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
