she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
