I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize