I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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