if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
