i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
