Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
