Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't turn off my feet"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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