She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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